He chew chew chooses obliviousness

 Terry eats lunch with earbuds in.  He can’t hear the disgusting noises his mouth makes as he chews with it hanging open.  He laughs and breathes heavily without using his nose.  It’s a wonder he doesn’t end up with his lunch all over his shirt.  You would think hearing your chewing in your head would make you do it more quietly, but it seems to make him oblivious to his own symphony of bad manners.  

You should shouldn’t hear him eat cereal. 

A Vue to be killed

Seconds after sitting down, Barbara started into it.  “Well, I made a big purchase this weekend.”  Then in a hushed voice, “I bought me a another vehicle.”

I’ve been tuning her out more recently.  She also hasn’t been at her desk much.  I’m glad though.  It’s the only way I can get any work done.  With being interrupted, intentionally or unintentionally, by Terry, if I were eavesdropping on her issues, I’d never get anything done.  Lucky for me, he doesn’t seem to be here this morning. 

 I got Barbara’s story, loud and clear.  As did anybody else working on my floor.  “I’m not sure yet if we really shoulda done it.  We just had to take the Malibu to the shop because the check engine light came on after we put some gas in it.  They said, for the light, the transmission pan that was leakin’, the brakes, and we didn’t even ask them to look at the brakes, near thousand dollars to fix all that.  We just asked them to fix the light.  And I’m not really sure, how do they know it wasn’t some freak thing with the light from the gas we put in?”  So we just pay for the light and go walk around the lot.  Then we find this little Saturn SUV thing.  It’s called a Vue.  It’s pretty cute.  There goes Reggie’s Social Security,” she said jokingly, but she wasn’t joking.  “But [Reggie] said, ‘You’ve lived without it before,’ and I was like I know.  But we’re gonna have to stop eatin out so much.  I’m still not convinced it was a good idea.”

“How much did you pay for it?” her desk partner asked, as if the gods themselves willed her to do so for my benefit.  And I’m really not sure what to make of her answer.  She said, “They were askin’ seventeen, but they dropped it to thirteen-somethin’.  But it ended up, with everything being like twenty-four.” What?  Seriously?  How does that work?  Eleven grand in extra fees and stuff?  I bet these two are a negotiator’s dream.  I bet there are dozens layers of undercoating on that car.  She said she got some extra insurance on it, which I think she meant was an extended warrantee.  But still, that’s a lot of money for a couple years of worry free* maintenance.  Regardless, $24,000 for a used SUV made by a company she didn’t even know was defunct.  This will not end well.

I can play, too

 Terry said one of the things you hear about people from Arkansas is that they don’t wear shoes.  Under my breath and to myself, I said, “That is one of the many.”  

You may ask how my back feels considering I pat it so hard.  Good.  It feels good.

Please don't help me

We get two emails each week when it’s time to submit our timecards.  They are due by 9:00 Monday morning.  We get one email on Friday, and there’s another waiting for us once the weekend is over.  They send both regardless of if we’ve already submitted.  The first thing Terry said to me when I walked in today was. “Don’t forget to submit your timecard.”   

Dog gone

 Reggie took away Barbara’s dog.  He won’t tell them what he did with it.  He just keeps saying “nevermind.”  She doesn’t see think he put her down because everything he does she has to do it with him.  He said he took the dog to a place in Kansas.  She thinks he just dumped her off on the side of the road.  She called animal control to see if they had found the dog.  They asked her for her address, “I’m not givin’ them my address,” she laughed.  “If they find the dog, they’re liable to come fine us or something.”

Yes, ma’am, the punishment fits the crime.  Or maybe you should take your worthless husband out to the middle of nowhere and drop him off.  I wonder how many miles away she would be by the time she stopped laughing.  

The shortlist

Terry said, in reference to my needing cold medicine, “I’m a druggie.  So if you ever need drugs, you know where to come.”  It’s funny.  I think he thinks he’s being edgy.  But actually, it’s just a disappointment.

  

 

He started singing Sweet Home Alabama along with somebody’s ring tone.  Then he said, "I love that song.  But who doesn’t like Skynyrd?"  I looked him in the eye and slowly raised my hand.

I’ve never seen anyone who talks to themselves quite like Terry does.  You think he would tone it down around other people.  He says things like, boy, and, golly.

He told me about eating contests at his church.  I asked him, “Isn’t gluttony a sin?”   He said that if you do it repeatedly it’s a sin, but that eating contests don’t count.   

 
 
  

Character Introduction

Terry

Luckily, I don’t have to say much about Terry.  You’ll find he tells any listening ears everything they might need to know about him. 

I will say that he’s one of the more unaware people I’ve met.  At the same time, he’s not dumb.  We share educational backgrounds but that and our anatomical gender are where the similarities end. 

Let’s get right to it.

 

He told me he had something with sauerkraut on it for lunch.  Then he apologized to me in case I don’t like kraut.  I don’t.  I hate it.  It smells terrible, looks worse, and tastes like somebody forgot to add several ingredients.  I told him, “I absolutely despise sauerkraut.”  Then he opened his pungent item and it is currently filling the office with its German essence.

If you bring something that you apologize for, why did you bring it? It’s like warming up fish in the microwave.  No consideration.