One for the price of none

John went to the store last night because he and Jackie wanted some ice cream.  It’s a trip I’ve made dozens of times before with different girls.  That’s not what I want to address.  He was looking forward to cookies and cream.  Again, I don’t blame him, I love cookies and cream.  He said she was going to get something for herself and he was going to get “ice cream ice cream.”  Turns out, one of the local brands was on sale for a dollar forty-nine for the brick.  Surely they got excited.  Every time they get a remotely good deal on something, I get to hear about it.  Kind of like this time.  It’s like he was so proud of the deal he got that he was entirely willing if not eager to emasculate himself.  Anyway, once she saw how cheap the ice cream ice cream was she decided she wanted ice cream.  The way he told me the story, it’s like he sets up what I’m least hoping to hear.  This is how he did it.

“I mean, a dollar forty-nine?  You could get two for less than the usual cost of one!”

I wanted to ask him which two he got knowing my girlfriend and I would have opted for a variety, especially for that price.  I wanted to ask him but I knew he would tell me anyway.

“That is a good deal,” I reassured him.  “I might have to stop by there on the way home,” knowing I would be taking the bus home and wouldn’t stop.  I did consider it though, if it makes it any better. 

“Then she saw how cheap it was and was like, ‘Mint chocolate chip!’ and I was just like (to himself is how this was implied) but can’t we get both? (here we are, five minutes from when he told me and already I am viewing it through several days of exaggeration.  I picture him with the aw-shux, pebble-kicking, didn’t-get-picked-at-recess dejection. 

“I do love cookies and cream,” I said, waiting for the kicker to the story.  I was hoping – if I were a praying man, I would have been praying – he would zing me with, “So I ate a whole thing of cookies and cream last night!” or, “So I put my foot down and we came home with a super cheap brick of mashed up cookies and vanilla ice cream,” or at least, “We got both and we were both happy!”

“Me too, I could have eaten the whole thing of it.” 

But.

“Buuut I guess the mint was a little healthier.  Oh well, I’m better off without it.”

Sadly I knew the story before he told me.  He’s told me many times.  What it boils down to, the essence of every him/her story is, “She got her way because her happiness is more important to both of us than my happiness.”  

Now that's a healthy relationship.